What NO ONE Tells You About Childbirth:

• All of your best friends will be pregnant and giving birth at the exact same time as you. FUN!

• Hospitals and birthing centers LOVE when you block the hallway to chat with your lady brigade. Can they get you anything?

• Your appearance will be your top priority, but don’t worry, because YOU WILL LOOK AMAZING. Your face will be dewy. Your limbs, slender and not bloated. And your hair will be soft yet full of life, like the downy wings of an angel. 

• The baby will fly out of you on a dazzling, uncomplicated white unicorn. You will feel no pain. Afterward, the unicorn will fly you to the salon for a complimentary mani-pedi. 

• You will definitely not poop yourself in front of a room full of strangers.