“Practicing mindfulness with the children has been a breeze. I’m just like, ‘Hey kids, could you stop screaming and farting and breaking everything for 2 seconds so we can reach a purer state of being through focused breathing and relaxation?’ and they’re like, ‘Absolutely.”
“It’s summer, so we made this baby wrap in a light, breathable fabric. It is fashionable and practical.”
“Right! So maybe we shoot it on the beach to invoke the feel of a breezy summer day?”
“Yes, that is exactly what we had in mind!”
“Great, and what do you want mom to wear? Shorts and sandals? Maybe a flowy maxi dress?”
“We were thinking a full-length velvet bathrobe.”
“Um…”
“Oh, sorry! AND thick pleather pants that drag in the sand as she walks; both in gold, of course. Think Steven Tyler meets Sharon Stone’s character from Casino. You know, right at the end when she’s all coked up and crazy.”
“Isn’t that…a little impractical?”
“Well, we ARE going to give her a fanny pack.”
“Oh, okay. That makes sense then.”
Congratulations on your brand new baby!
The hard part is over, and now it’s time to rest and rejuvenate in clean, stylish clothing on your perfectly made bed. Maybe finish that novel you’ve been meaning to read! You’re on maternity leave, you have all the time in the world!
Submitted by: Solla Graham-Parker
Life doesn’t have to change just because you had a BABY! So throw on those stilettos, drink a bunch of wine, and head out to the trail with your strollers!
Bedtime level: advanced
It’s really this simple, folks.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone! Here’s wishing you a day full of eating syrup drenched pancakes without utensils in bed with your toddler!
“This baby is great and all, but how am I supposed to apply lipgloss in the airport when I have to CONSTANTLY carry him around?”
Introducing ‘Magic Sassy Strap!’ Magic Sassy Strap allows you to apply all of your favorite glosses, balms, and lacquers, unencumbered by the crushing weight of a small human being who depends solely on you for survival.
Use Magic Sassy Strap for hands-free control of any large, awkward object. Including, but not limited to:
-An 8 lb. baby in a 25 lb. car seat carrier
-A large bundle of wood
-The alternator for a 1988 Buick La Sabre
-A group of tantruming toddlers, known collectively as a “hissy”
-The baby calf that Billy Crystal delivers in “City Slickers” and then heroically carries across a river in the middle of a massive flash flood.
Magic Sassy Strap - when you want to apply lipgloss, but not the laws of physics. (From the makers of Baby Bag)
Now is Mommy’s housework time,
I know my baby’s safe within.
It’s fun to mop the muck and grime
while baby’s in his pen.
He never frets, and never whines
our house is always neat.
his playpen even levitates
as I mop underneath.
Marina couldn’t figure out why no one else showed up for this week’s “Velvet and Ski Masks Down by the Docks,” mommy meet-up.